Monday, October 21st marked 13 years since Kyle and I got married and began our life of bliss. Smile! 

We are now officially teenagers at marriage.

I can't tell you how blessed I am to have spotted Kyle right off the bat at Freshman Orientation at the UofA a little over....gulp...18 years ago. EIGHTEEN years, people! 

I knew it then and I know it now - he is the man for me. 

Fortunately, he felt the same way about me (replace "woman" for man...) and although our college dating years had some rough bumps and patches of frustration (that's what happens when you meet the person for the rest of your life and you're just entering college and the rest of your life is a few years away...) we came out of it ready for that "rest of our life" - together. 

While in college, we managed to overcome the obstacles of youth and immaturity, other relationships thrown in here and there, long-distance across the ocean and the state, etc., fall more deeply in love and end up getting married on October 21, 2000.

As we both suspected, having dated each other five years before getting married, we had our eyes as wide open as you can possibly have when you're 23 and 24.  We had seen each other at our best and worst, knew each other's flaws, strengths, weaknesses, baggage, family issues, as well as how to work through things, talk through things, pray through things, laugh about things and become even better friends at the end of the day.

As a result, we have been so blessed to have never had a "bad" year.  Every year of our marriage has been truly wonderful. And getting better by the year. We've had issues to deal with along the way, but thankfully, it's never been a question of "us" working.  God has paired us so beautifully and each of our strengths is a perfect complement to the other. God has used us to sharpen and grow and develop each other over the years.  Kyle is still my best friend in the world, my other half, my love, my delight, my constant source of laughter, a well of grace and strength, a man of faithfulness, integrity, talent and ability - and turns out, the most amazing father as well.

And what do we have to show for our 13 years? Well, WE have nothing - I can honestly say our Heavenly Father is the source of all our joy - including our 4 beautiful children, our home, our jobs, our menagerie of dog, cat, fish and chickens...pretty much anything good in our life is a direct gift from the Lord and we are seriously blessed. 

So how do you properly celebrate 13 years? What's the thing? Paper, silver, diamonds? 

Well, I'm not sure. But for us, 13 years meant new sleepwear.

I wish I could say some sexy lingerie, but seriously, I just had a baby 4 weeks ago. Lingerie is not my friend right now. What I mean is that I needed something to replace my standard winter sleepwear. 

I'm a little embarrassed to say that while I do have a drawer full of lingerie that I pull out on occasion, for the most part, I, like most of my friends and probably all women, sleep in t-shirts. And in the winter, I have 2 identical long sleeve t-shirts plastered with a bank logo that isn't even a client of ours anymore. The t-shirts have far outlived the bank itself, probably. These shirts have seen me through at least 8 years of our marriage. I've worn them when pregnant and when not. Heck, I've worn them while in labor! They are not attractive anymore. If they ever were.

And Kyle, bless his patient heart, was fed up. For our 13th anniversary, he knew that what would mean the most to him was to no longer see me wearing the dreaded bank t-shirts. So he got me these...

Right off the bat, I should preface this post by saying that this post is all about raising children,  and not just that, but raising children who are spiritually healthy. In the sense of having a strong, secure, lasting faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. If this is something you have no interest in, click to your next blog for the day. 

If it does interest you, keep reading.

Kyle and I attend an evangelical Bible church, Fellowship Bible Church, that was formed in 1977, the year I was born.  The original group of pastors who formed it are now no longer the primary pastors, but they are still involved in various capacities - and many of them have ministries that extend well beyond our church and community, into the world at large.  One gentleman, Robert Lewis, has written tons of books on raising godly children as well as creating the Men's Fraternity curriculum that many churches around the country are teaching.  Kyle went through this a few years ago and it was such an amazing thing for him.  It gets to the crux of what it means to be a man of God. To be a MAN, period. It helps men deal with wounds from their childhood - mother wounds, father wounds, etc. Highly practical, enlightening, instructive and challenging. I can't say enough good things about it. Or about Robert Lewis. Suffice it to say, when he speaks at something, Kyle and I make sure we're there.

This past Sunday evening, he spoke on Raising Spiritually Healthy Children.  I was blown away by the wisdom and insight he shared with us. It was not only so intuitive, but also incredibly practical. Since I imagine there are other parents out there interested in raising spiritually healthy children, but who were unable to attend that session, I am sharing with you what he said. This is all from him - not from me. 

He shared 8 specific insights into raising spiritually healthy children. In order to not overwhelm you with a bunch of text (this is a pic-free post), I am breaking this post up into 2 parts. It'll still be lengthy, but if you have children, it is so worth the read. Not because it's from me, but because it's from an extremely wise, godly man who has successfully raised 4 godly children and has learned a great deal - and he's sharing it with us. I just took really copious notes to share it with you!

So, let's dive in.

#1 - Great parenting begins and ends with a visible faith at home.

A "little Christianity" is the worst kind of spiritual exposure for our children. It leads to "religion" which is the antithesis of what Christianity is - a relationship with God. A "little Christianity" will only inoculate our children against a true faith over the long term. 

Essentially, if your children are only exposed to a living faith while at church on Sundays, you are setting them up beautifully to completely walk away from the faith as they get older.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to determine if there is a visible faith present in your home:

- Do my kids see us (my husband and I) having spiritual conversations?

-Do they see me and Kyle reading our Bible and spending time with the Lord?

-Do they see us asking for forgiveness from them (or each other) when we mess up?

Having a passion about our relationship with the Lord is vital because passion is catching. So is apathy. 

#2 - The best spiritual gift you can give your kids is a GOOD MARRIAGE.

Marriage is 75% of parenting. Truly. 

Modeling a good, solid, strong, faith-filled marriage is so critical to raising spiritually healthy children that if you are having trouble in your marriage, make fixing your marriage a priority OVER your kids.

WE takes precedence over ME.  

If it's suddenly occurring to you (as a parent) that you're having to be more unselfish than comes naturally to you, wrap your mind around the fact that parenting is one of the great shapers of our lives. It's not so much about just you anymore - there's a marriage that is of vital importance - to YOU and your spouse and to those children who now look to you for stability, security, direction and inspiration.

It sounds counter-intuitive, but a solid marriage does more for solidifying the spiritual health of our children than ANYTHING else. Food for thought.

#3 - Parent with clear ends in mind.

Proverbs 29:18 says Without a vision, the people perish.

This is never more true than in parenting. Parenting should be purposeful, not slap-dash and make-do.  The best thing we as parents can do is sit down and make a list of attributes, specific character traits, specific terms that we want our children to have/be by the time they leave our house.  

If you're floundering about where to start with those, may I suggest...

Godly priorities; love God and others before themselves; make the biggest difference for God in their lives that they can....those are good places to start.

Robert Lewis specifically recommended that we all read Revolutionary Parenting by George Barna.  He said it is incredibly helpful in this regard.

#4 - Balance DISCIPLINE with LOVE as a parent.

In parenting, there is a spectrum along with each of our styles can be plotted.

Think of an x/y axis. 

High Love 

|

|

|

|

Low Discipline                                                                                                      High Discipline

|

|

|

|

|

Low Love

If you have High Love and High Discipline (top right quadrant) - that is an Authoritative parenting style.

Low Discipline and High Love (top left quadrant) - Permissive Parenting.

Low Discipline and Low Love (bottom left quadrant) - Neglectful Parenting.

Low Love and High Discipline (bottom right quadrant) - Authoritarian Parenting.

So, I'm sure you're looking at that thinking about where you fall and whether it's a good place to be or not.  The BEST place to be - the best parenting style would be the Authoritative. You can't go wrong with high love balanced by clear discipline expectations.

The second best style would be Permissive Parenting, followed by Neglectful Parenting.
What you absolutely don't want is to be an Authoritarian Parent.

It is so destructive to dole out discipline consistently without balancing it with lots and lots of love. 

Robert pointed out that most fathers find it too easy to fall into the Authoritarian category which is exceedingly damaging to our children.  So, Dads, if this is a tendency of yours - seek the Lord's help in overcoming this because it will rip your kids to shreds. OR, cause them to run like heck in the opposite direction of your faith when they're old enough to make their own choices.

Stay tuned for Part 2 - which I'll post tomorrow.

God bless you on your own parenting journeys!

The Girl

As my gaze skipped over everyone, it settled on this one guy who was standing talking to a group of people. I don't know what it was about him aside from that he was obviously good-looking that grabbed me, but something sure did. I will even swear today that there was a ray of light streaming in from an overhead window that illuminated him. A sign from God? Could have been!
I nudged my dad, pointed out THE guy and said, I want to meet that guy. My dad grunted a response and carried on with his work phone call. In my head, I prayed, Ok, God, if you want me to meet that guy, then you bring him to me. I don't want to have initiated it if this does turn into something.

Hours later, this guy passed me as I was leaning against a wall waiting for my dad to get off the phone. I smiled. He smiled back. My heart jumped a little!

Around 3:00 that afternoon as the orientation events wrapped up, I was yet again waiting for my dad to get off the phone and to ease my boredom, I wandered outside to sit on this fountain outside the Student Union. (This fountain no longer exists!) I closed my eyes, tilted my head up to soak up the sunshine and next thing I know, I open them to find THE guy standing within 2 feet of me. He looked sort of sheepish but determined at the same time. Turns out he'd been pacing inside the SU working up the courage to come introduce himself to me. We started talking and within minutes it was obvious there was a serious connection between the two of us. I will venture so far as to say that I knew right then that this guy would be in my life for a long time. I hesitate to say I knew I'd marry him, but it was something very close to that.

Before the weekend was over, we'd spent every available second trying to get to know each other. He took me to lunch with a friend of his. He even took me back to his house to meet some of his family...in hindsight, it seems absurd that all that happened in that first weekend, but again, whatever connection there was between us, it was powerful and undeniable to both of us.

After exchanging addresses (this was pretty much pre-email or in fledgling AOL period), I went back home to will the next month of summer to fly by so I could get back up there for school and KYLE!

Before I knew it, I was there and immediately whisked into this huge group of friends that came with Kyle (from his high school days) and aside from attending school, all of us threw ourselves into being freshman the way only 18 year old kids can. No, we did not drink or party. We were actually really good kids! We went cliff-diving, had all night movie nights, late nights at the local coffee shops and just generally relished our new-found independence. I can't imaging how I even survived on as little sleep as I was getting those days.

All the while, Kyle and I stuck close, not dating really, but clearly marked for each other. We became really really good friends while also falling completely head over heels in love with each other. By the time I brought him home to meet my family that fall, there was no doubt in my mind that I could see us getting married. The problem was...we were freshman! There was no way I was sabotaging my college years by getting married! Not to mention that neither of us had any intention of falling in love so quickly upon going to college! That was not the plan at all! And yet, here we were.

Needless to say, the next several years had some drama built in, lots of pent-up frustration due to our incredibly strong feelings for each other and yet...it wasn't the right time. We dated, broke up, dated and broke up. But neither of us could really venture out too far from each other. We were inexplicably bound together and undeniably soul-mates. My junior year, Kyle transferred to another school a few hours away - he needed to get some distance between himself and his home town.
This was a good thing, although it was also terrifying. I know his parents were hoping he'd meet and fall in love with a girl from this school, but nope. He and I kept things going long-distance while I plowed my way through nursing school and focused on my clinicals, good grades and my wonderful girlfriends up there. By the time I graduated from UofA in 1999, it was as good as done. There was no doubt in our minds that we would get married. It just couldn't happen any other way. At the time I would say we could not have been more in love, but now, I would say I was wrong!

Kyle graduated in spring of 2000 and on October 21, 2000, we were married. Such begins the saga of our relationship. And what a sweet journey it has been. Not without some trials and tribulations along the way, but those are FAR diminished by the overwhelming delights we've had being married. He is still, more than ever, the love of my life, the love of my soul and heart. We now have two beautiful, delightful children with another growing inside me. We have clung together through everything and even more tightly, clung to our Lord. I seriously could not begin to quantify the blessings God has heaped on us and it humbles me to no end. I have seen so many marriages around me wither and die, and I feel so humbled to have this incredible, incredible man who gets me on every single level, who challenges me and thrills me, who makes me laugh almost constantly. I look forward to each new day we share together, no matter what it brings. I love you, Kyle. More today than any day previous. You have been worth everything and then some.

I don't know about you, but there are some promises that I rely very seriously on. Such as Kyle's promise to love and cherish me till death do us part. Or my bank's promise to guarantee my funds up to a certain dollar amount. Or even the simple promise that when I make an appointment somewhere, that hour is mine. Designated for me. I expect certain things based on certain promises.

The reality is, a promise is only as good as the one who makes it. I trust Kyle to keep his vows more than I trust the FDIC to guarantee my funds. I trust the appointment holder significantly less...but there's still hope there!

Within the past few weeks, I've seen some men seriously abandon their promises to their wives, leaving them far beyond high and dry. Some seriously despicable actions by people old enough to get their head out of their rear end and do the right thing. Men whose wives JUST gave birth to their child...men who apparently don't care about this because they run off to another woman without so much as a backward glance. Clearly, their promises meant nothing since they lack the character and integrity to back them up.

Some other promises that I've been relying heavily on are ones found in Matthew 6 where Jesus tells me not to worry about my life, what I'll eat or what I'll drink or what I'll wear because He knows what I need and He'll provide all those things for me if I seek HIM first, not the answer to all my needs. God's promises to provide for me and take care of me, I take very seriously. Why? Because if there is ever anyone who has proven himself big enough to fulfill those promises, it's Him.

I can personally vouch for God's power and might. I have seen Him perform supernatural miracles in my life. Seriously. Things that just don't happen in real life, except through God's handiwork. Like when I was dying to quit work and stay home with Brooklyn, but there was no way. Because we had just bought a big house that necessitated both our salaries and there was just no way, financially, short of selling our house, that we could afford to have me stay home. No way. I do our budgets, I know exactly how much it takes to live on and I knew that we would require an additional 40% increase in Kyle's salary if mine were to disappear. And all I could do was pray...knowing that only if God allowed it, could it ever happen. There was no way Kyle would be getting that many raises in time.

Except that I underestimated the bigness of God. Within a few weeks of our laying out these needs, desires and requests before God...out of the blue, completely "randomly", nowhere near his annual review time, Kyle received a 50% salary increase. He had not spoken a word to his boss or anyone else. NO ONE knew the dollar amount we had been praying about. Only God. And then, to have this completely unexpected answer, in an amount even GREATER than we'd been praying about...it left no doubt in my mind. God was big enough to do anything. Anything. Truly, nothing was impossible with Him. The only impossibilities lay in my finite mind. I was forever marked by that event...and since then, others have happened, just as miraculous.

So I know what I'm talking about. God is big enough to stand behind His promises.

He's big enough to work in the life of my husband...to strengthen him and turn him from a good man to a GODLY man...because as great as my husband is, I know that he's only able to keep the promises he's made because God equips him and strengthens him to do so. Just as God alone is able to give me satisfaction staying at home raising my children. And gives me the ability to honor my promises to Kyle.

In short, I have been paying attention to promises and those who make them. And I'm humbled that a God so big and awesome makes such wonderful promises to me. And keeps them.