Sleeping Like Whales

12:00 PM

You know why God put whales in the water? Because only in something wet and slippery and free of resistance are they able to comfortably move and sleep and enjoy their enormous lives. Being as big as they are, were they to lumber around in the air, suffering dreadfully from the pull of gravity and the other forces on the ground, they'd give up.

As I feel like doing some days. I know I have it pretty easy, considering, but I still feel like a whale right now. Moving from sitting to standing requires some significant grunting and pushing off using whatever furniture is available...I had my first experience with sciatica the other day (no thanks!!)...and just getting myself from a lying down position to sitting up to pee at night requires a crane. And unfortunately, I don't have a crane.

What I do have (which makes things MORE difficult) is a cradle nestled up beside my bed. Why? There's no baby yet, you're thinking. You're right. This cradle is there because right now, August is still sleeping in my bed (don't ask), and I'm afraid he'll roll off onto the floor (he really won't) and mostly because it's a habit. It's pretty much been there every night since I gave birth to Brooklyn. You know how easy it is to fall into a habit!

Some background: Ever since I was a little girl, I could only sleep when there were pillows snug against me on either side. I believed there were monsters under my bed and by putting these big plump pillows on either side of me, I would give myself a window of time to sneak away and save myself when the monsters inevitably would creep out from under my bed to eat me. What they would find, to their great surprise, would be a big pillow! But they'd be a less than brilliant monster and it would take them a while to realize this was not a person they were munching on. Hence, giving me the opportunity to escape.

And now, as a grown-up, I don't really believe in monsters anymore, but why risk it? It's safer to have a pillow there! At least on my left side. On my right side is Kyle. And he serves two purposes: he keeps me safe (I'm leaving him to fend for himself when it comes to monsters) and he provides some nice back support!

So, back to this cradle. In my current state of pregnancy, my usual pillow propped against the cradle has been replaced by a giant "comma" pillow that I use to prop my legs up on. Very comfy. And very in the way when the urge to pee hits me as it periodically does throughout the night.

What do I do? I lay there for a moment or two, building up energy, then in sudden bursts of strength, I heave myself up. And up again. And again, until I manage to get an arm under me, free of the sheets and my son and the enormous pillow. It may take several tries. I'm fighting some serious gravity here, folks. I'm simultaneously trying hard not to strain my belly or pull a muscle or accidentally push Kyle and August off the bed.

And at this point, how easy would it be to just swing my legs free of the covers and slide out of the bed? Oh, so easy. But for that cradle. No, I have to somehow finagle my way to the END of my bed and then sort of acrobatically roll out of the bed. Keep in mind this is usually taking place at 2 or 3 in the morning and I'm not all the way awake. But usually, by the time I'm out of bed, Kyle and August are! It's no easy feat, let me tell you. Rolling like a stuntwoman while extracting myself from the piles of blankets and quilts and tangle of's enough to wear a person plumb out. I have no doubt my guardian angels are giggling their heads off. They should be assisting a poor pregnant girl!!!!

Even in my half-asleep state, I am out of breath, moaning at my wobbly joints and full bladder, waddling like a duck to make it to the bathroom and this is usually just my first trip of the night.

Like I was saying, if I lived underwater, this would all be so much easier.

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  1. You forgot to mention the hurricane-force winds swirling around your bedroom.

  2. Ashley, you should really consider writing a book--I truly love your style of writing:-) And I so remember feeling like that--it was nearly impossible to get out of bed towards the end. Plus in August, it was always hot to me--so living in water would have been fabulous:-)